i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
