i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
