I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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