I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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