I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
