Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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