I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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