The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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