Well apparently he's into motor boating.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
