These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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