If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions