I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's never too late to be topless.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.