im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
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i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home