im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
