Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
