Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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