Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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