you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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