I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
