That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
