Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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