i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
