i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
