I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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