Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
