so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
