I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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