I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will be naked everywhere
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
