I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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