Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
