I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
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