Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
