Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
