i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
