We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
