You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
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stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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