Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
