The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You are a genius and a whore.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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