If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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