I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
