apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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