every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
