I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am spending my child support on dildos
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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