Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
