Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
