I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
