it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
