Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
