I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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