I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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