were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
