I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
