you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
