Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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