How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
