can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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