Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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