I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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