She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
