i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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